apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
