her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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