there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
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