Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize