I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
