Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
