Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
