I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
