Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
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