ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
