oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
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