How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
