And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
wat bout pragnant strippers??
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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