You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
