So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Randomize
