New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
