I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
The beer is more important than you right now.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
