He uses pillows to masturbate.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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