The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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