So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
