So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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