I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
