I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
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