wakey wakey hands off snakey
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
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