I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
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