you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
Randomize
