you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
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We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Holy shit dude........stairs
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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