My first STD was from a foam party
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
All the doctor said was why
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Randomize
