If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
