i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
