some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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