I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
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