Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
