after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
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