I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
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I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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