so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
