I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
