I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Randomize
