Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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