Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
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