this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
