Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
