broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Randomize
