I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Randomize
