I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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