Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
