Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Randomize
