Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
