I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
