So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Randomize
