I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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