I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
