MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
