i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Randomize
