if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Randomize
