At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
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