he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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