Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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