The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
