this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Randomize
