Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Randomize
