moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
