Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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